Real talk about my paralyzing fear of unmet expectations - "progress not perfection" is not just a quote we should say to encourage children.
For as long as I can remember I've set unrealistic expectations for myself and functioned in a permanently exhausted state of being because I've never been great at prioritizing my to do list and my to do list always seems approximately 3174 miles long. I always imagine I have more than twenty four hours in my day, that my almost forty year old body needs the same amount of sleep and has the same amount of energy it did in my twenties, that I am a master of multitasking (I'm not), and that I'm immune to distractions (I wish). No one in my life expected me to perform at the superhuman level I constantly aimed to achieve - the pressures imposed on me were by myself alone and it was simultaneously exhilarating and suffocating. The dopamine rush of crossing off the last item on a day's to do list is very real. But so is the feeling of failure that accompanies the sight of unchecked boxes.
âNo one in my life expected me to perform at the superhuman level I constantly aimed to achieve - the pressures imposed on me were imposed by myself alone and it was simultaneously exhilarating and suffocating."
A few years ago, a close friend saw that I was struggling to keep all my balls in the air and suggested that I try breaking my to do list down using the Eisenhower Matrix to help me realize that not everything needs to be done immediately. I was excited, as I always am about lists, schedules, planners, productivity apps, and essentially any product or innovation that might help me keep track of my multitude of to dos.
The unfortunate outcome was that for me, there was very little that I felt I could move out of that first box. So I essentially had the same size list, but now it was screaming the words "urgent" and "important" at me and my sense of failure was growing exponentially. Because my family, dogs, and running our household are always going to be my top priorities, I started to gradually let go of all the things that didn't fit into those categories. Painting, blogging, reading, writing, sketching - all the things I did just for me - were the first things to go. I had this notion that if I couldn't do it justice by spending adequate time at it, then I wouldn't bother with it at all. Ironically, adding the million tasks to my list that homeschooling three kids entails was the thing that made me completely rethink my perfectionist overachiever approach to life.
Homeschooling is probably the most rewarding thing I've done in my life. Following the provincial curriculum means that my life revolves around checking off boxes on curriculum outcome lists and the perfectionist overachiever in me absolutely loves that. But very early on, the mom in me realized that perfection was never going to happen in homeschooling. No matter how much thought I poured into our schedule, no matter how prepared I was to teach a topic, no matter how confident I was that a task could easily be completed in the time I allotted, there are too many variables in homeschooling and one of two things ends up happening most days. You either push something to the next day so that you can wholeheartedly embrace the learning and memories that are happening today, or you squeeze it in at the end of the day with what time you have left, realizing that it may need to be revisited in order for the desired outcome to be achieved. From the moment we started homeschooling, my goal has always been to give my children a learning experience that is free from stress and anchored in good memories. When I'm homeschooling, I encourage the kids to aim for "progress not perfection" and to focus on enjoying the journey more than reaching the destination. "You'll get there when you get there," I'll say, "and you'll be better off because of the times you wandered off the beaten path to explore something that caught your eye."
"Progess, not perfection." It seems despite being the teacher, I have been the last person to learn this life lesson. As we enter our third homeschooling year, I've picked up my pencils, sketchbooks, and paintbrushes again and I've been creating on a regular basis. I never have the large chunks of time I once had to start and finish a painting in one sitting, but that's okay. I'll get there when I get there. My house is tidy and clean, but it's not perfect and I can accept that. I've recently taken some time here and there to work on my website because blogging and connecting with people used to be one of my favourite parts of creative life. It's still a work in progress, and I don't have a plan or a list of three month's worth of post ideas, but I feel good about it. I've finally managed to let go of that need to do everything on my list perfectly and completely at this very moment. I'm finally starting to be okay with progress, not perfection - for myself. There still aren't nearly enough hours in my days to accomplish everything I'd love to do and some days still have that lingering feeling of failure. I'm still a work in progress but I'm enjoying the journey and living my best life. And I'm excited to share a bit of it here once in awhile.
